Wizard People, Dear Reader

So, I was recently introduced to this awesome phenomenon called "Wizard People, Dear Reader". It is an alternate soundtrack to the first Harry Potter movie. It is presented as though it is being read (like a book on tape) while the movie plays silently along with it. Kind of like how one might play the Dark Side of the Moon along with the Wizard of Oz. Brad Neely, who came up with this idea, has apparently never read the books, but loosely follows the storyline of the movie, changing characters names and embellishing the plot with his own details. It is truly amazing.

Here are some good quotes from the movie, although like most quotes they are better in their original context

Look! A Turkish Massage Owl! And look! It's a bat! Sweet Mustache! Willikers!
This is when Harry first goes to Diagon Alley.

The look into each other's eyes, like two serpents on a honeymoon, Professor Snake, astonished that she has an admirer, and Mouthoil, astonished that he likes women.
In his version, Neely presents Snape (Snake) as an ugly woman. Draco Malfoy is Mouthoil. This scene takes place during the first potions class

Now, the most hideous boy in the world has the ball. He has a lumber pile in his mouth that he is calling teeth, and he is a mean S.O.B.
This is a description of one of the boys on the Slytherin quidditch team

"Say, Ron, you look tired, have you ever been tested for diseases?"
"At least I'm not a hideous fucker."
"Are you going home for Christmas? I'm going home. My family's got money."
"No, we’re staying here. We’re going to find out who that fucking Nick Flannel is, and rule the fucking school. So run home and open your presents. I hope you get a new pillow to cry into."
This is a dialogue between Ron and Hermione right before Christmas break. No one likes Hermione and she is known as "Harmony the Wretch" and often made fun of for being ugly and pathetic.

But lo-ho-ho, dear readers. It is a cloak, a cloak indeed! A cloak with a cloaking device!
This is when Harry gets his invisibility cloak

Dazzler is a man who obviously has never heard the laugh of a lover, never heard the phrase, "You are fine," from a doctor.
This is a description of Filch (Dazzler).